“What’ll you have, Normie?”
“Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.”
“Looks like beer, Norm.”
“Call me Mister Lucky.”
A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.”
The wife says, “That’s it! I want a divorce!”
“I understand,” replies her husband. “But remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who’s that woman with Jim?” she asks.
“That’s his mistress,” replies her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” says his wife.
A man is walking along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: “DIG !” He looks around, but nobody’s there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: “I SAID, DIG!”
So the man starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands. After a short time, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice returns and says: “OPEN!”
OK, the man thinks, let’s open this thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees hundreds of gold coins. The deep voice returns again and says: “TO THE CASINO!”
Since the casino is only a few miles away, the man listens to the deep voice, takes the chest and walks to the casino. When he arrives at the casino, the deep voice says: “ROULETTE!”
The man changes all of the gold coins into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him in disbelief. Just then, the deep voice says: “TWENTY-SEVEN!”
The man takes the whole pile of coins and drops it on the number 27. The table falls silent when the croupier throws the ball. Everybody waits to see what will happen.
The ball stops on 26.
After a few moments, the deep voice returns and says: “SHIT.”
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?”
The butcher says “Yes,” so the man says: “I’ll bet you fifty dollars that you can’t reach up and touch the meat hanging on those hooks up there.”
The butcher says, “I’m not betting on that.”
The man protests. “I thought you were a gambling man!”
“I am,” says the butcher. “But the steaks are too high.”